Thank you for your lesson..

When I was a child, very very little I thought I was happy. My happiness was simple: dancing, singing, hugging my grandmother, having a  water-mellon, playing with flowers, sand and water. I created stories about the magic of the wind and sadness of the rain, I drew pictures and enjoyed making clay sculptures.. Those were some vivid memories of my healthy child being that I held tightly to my heart and did not allowed a single living soul to see or to touch. Being a child in my culture is a luxury for most of the children… they expected to be adults from a moment they learn to say the first word. They are expected to measure up with adults values and thoughts rather rapidly than having had an opportunity to discover the world as their own. All I knew when I was a child that one day, I will find a place where it is okay to be a child -self, it is okay to show my way of seeing and feeling the world and to have an excitement of seeing other people’s world view. My journey was a long one, being blinded and deaf I was wondering in the darkness of a desert filled with mountains of mine and others resentments, fears and pain. I felt lost, hungry and lonely. I stumbled and failed many times and gain many wounds and scars as I continued to seek for the light.

It happened so, that one day I crossed the ocean,  hopping to find what I was looking for on the other other side of the planet.  I felt so starved and wounded that I no longer remember why I started  it all  on the first place. Most importantly, I have given up hope.. It was four years ago when I saw a man who was convinced that the light I was searching for is an inborn quality  and it is within everyone for everyone in any given moment of human existence,  one’s life is a  constant flow,  fueled and channeled through creativity and ongoing discovery. When I heard this man, I looked at him with uncertainty and distrust.. Something that he spoke about with such ease and excitement caused me the greatest suffering.. his knowing that I once felt and was convinced with caused me the greatest fear of being punished for..

I remember how I looked at that man and  how I felt an echo of my pain being numbed and in- prisoned with the reason of my adult mind.

The lessons begun… the wisdom was shared by the man and no directions given, all I was asked to do is to show up and to listen, nothing more. So, I did. Man’s eyes were filled with kindness, sadness and piece… I saw these kind of eyes before, my grandmother’s eyes, old man on the street in my hometown given me a book that held me through the teens, eyes of those I chose to call friends in a country of Japan, eyes of two professors I have grown to love and accept in today as my own teachers and spiritual parents…

I saw the whole world in the eyes of a man: great sadness and suffering, loneliness and grief, serenity and piece, love and compassion, hope and a sense of faith.. That moment I felt that I m guided, loved and accepted in all doings and thinkings as I am.

Slowly I started to feel, slowly I started to heal. I have encountered many lessons and many mistakes on my way, walking for the first time again and being as a child.. The greatest lesson was not given to me but once shown: to choose the light over darkness is a continuous choice one makes through his consciousness, it is not the matter of one’s will only but the matter of all matters in one: heart, soul, spirit and a mind that are in harmony within.

What a puzzle, I thought to myself. It is impossible to have a harmony within in all unless I spend 1000 years of solitude travelling by foot in all sanctuaries… How can I possibly achieve the harmony when I fight over my own mind, soul and body, suffering from a reminder of the pain within me and outside of me.. How can I be at piece, will I ever be?

The man looked into my eyes with love and joy in his,  he drew me into his world, he took me by the hand as everyone else and pointed into direction where I could rest first and heal before I will continue seek, he did not told me to stay in his world, believing that the journey of each person is unique and precious and that one will learn all the lessons when the time will come. As I rested, my heart filled with hope, my spirit regained some straight and my soul had healed some wounds. I thanked him and decided to continue to seek out the enlightenment as I was intendent to, with the eyes that were healed and could see and the ears that had opened up to hear different sounds.

And every time I get wounded in my journey, I lose hope and I fall deprived, I call onto a man, who have shared with me his heart that is and always be my  shelter..

Dedicated to Clive Robbins.